I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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