i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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