Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
