Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
