i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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