Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I need to align my fucking chakras
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
