I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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