if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
