I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
