Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
