I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize