This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
