On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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