i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
