Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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