the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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