Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
