It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
