We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
