I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize