Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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