I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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