I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
