Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
