Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
