I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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