Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
