she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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