imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
