saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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