I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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