just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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