Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
