Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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