shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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