The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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