Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
