Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize