4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
