Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
