Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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