I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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