Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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