My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
