Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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