I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
