I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
