I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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