Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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