quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
