Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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