and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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