guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
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