i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
