I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
