Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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