just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i now understand why vodka
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
