Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
