i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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