im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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