I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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