did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
