I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
