help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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