If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
