i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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