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Only a mothe r could love this liver
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
