life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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