Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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