I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
