just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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