Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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