So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
