the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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