Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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