Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
