shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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